|
Memoirs
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello once again my dear Xanga. It's been awhile....
I dont understand why I avoided Xanga..it helps me express so much more than myspace does. And I have a lot to express....a LOT. It helps me express my innermost thoughts and feelings...and rather than posting this on myspace where 1,000 people will read it, I chose my nearly shut-down Xanga where pretty much nobody will read this. But it'll help.
Most people choose to write about their life when they are older, when they have accomplished many great intellectual or physcial feats. Well, I feel at age 20, I have a lot to say. From this point on, I don't care where my life leads me. I don't. I just want to show why I have been such a corrupted, strange, and problematic individual my entire life.This is the story of my life. There will be stories of pain, happiness, and sadness. But this is just the story of my life. If you don't want to read it, don't bother. I'm just expressing thoughts and feelings I have never before expressed in my life here.
(Most names have been altered for privacy reasons)
1985-1993: The Beginning
Even from early on, I was rather innocent. I was the typical young kid. Whenever my mom or dad would come home, I would run to them smiling and give them a big hug. Whenever I saw Crunch, Milky Way, and Snickers, I just had to have them. All I remember from this period is that I was a tall, skinny, cute kid. I had some great friends and would spend most of my days playing with my next door neighbors. These were innocent times, but what child wasn't innocent and happy?
1993-1997: Downhill
This is where it all started going downhill. For unexplainable reasons, i had started gaining a lot of weight. I was not a heavy eater, and I did not eat McDonald's daily. I just kept gaining weight. My best friend Emil was a rather cool guy at this time, and he kept me entertained through my massive weight gain. Aside from weight gain, I also had developed horrible vision. My eyes had shot down to near-blind levels. I had thick big glasses, I was a chubby, afro-ed, glasses wearing nerd.
1998: Year of Hell #1
From the beginning of 1998 I knew that it was going to be a bad year. I had heard some things I did not want to hear... which I will not go into...The hightlight of my year was the fact that my best friend Emil, with whom I had trusted and respected, had turned on me. He had met a new friend by the name of William. William was loud, obnoxious, and rude. And for some odd reason, he seemed to feel joy at picking on me and teasing me. Sure, everybody gets bullied or picked on in their lives, and I would have been fine with that. What hurt was that he had turned my best friend on me.
William would call me "freakazoid" and Emil would laugh. I would just get hurt but keep it all inside. Emil would hang out with William now, group projects, homework, it was all them together now. To sum it up, I had no friends now. Emil was my only friend, and now I had nobody. I would come home from school every day depressed. I even remember on a few occassions that I would cry alone in my room because I had felt alone and unloved. Nobody was there to help me. My parents saw my crying and blamed it on hormones, but they did not know any better. It was during this period that I gained the most weight and had been my heaviest. After 1998 I had decided to leave my old grammer school and enter a new one, Lincoln Hall. I was hoping that this new school would give me a fresh start. I could make new friends, forget about my depression, and live on. Boy how I was wrong.
1999-2000: Lincoln Hall Years
From the day I entered Lincoln Hall, I felt out of place. I still was chubby, had glasses, and had frizzy ugly hair. 7th grade was going to suck I was innocent, so I did not know that people could be as cruel as they could be... I was looking forward for a fresh start and was excited, but immediately my hopes were shot down. On the second day of school, already verbal attacks had begun. Two guys ahead of me in line looked at me and decided to pick on me even though I was minding my own business. They were not even bully's, but they felt instinct to pick on me... One bully said "Dude, take off your mask. you're so fucking ugly." while the other one said "nice jeans, wear them everyday?" (the first insult hurt me obviously, while the other was just..whatever). The table I had decided to sit at was what many considered the "Nerd" table, but it was here where I had made my first two friends. Sherad and Allan. Sherad was who I considered my best friend, though. He was a good guy, friendly, and actually my first TRUE friend. Allan, on the other hand, took pride in punching me. My biggest problem from when I was young was that when people would hurt me, I would sit back and take it. and so, whenver he would punch me, pinch me, kick me, I would just walk away instead of fighting. I wanted to stay in school, not get kicked out. However, I did not blame Allen because he was a troubled kid and I knew he was taking his anger out on me. He was also a very nice guy when he wasn't in his rage moods. At the end of 7th grade I had taken up a game called Quake 2 which I played online. I would spend my whole day after school playing it, because I didn't really care for life...it was disappointing me.
8th grade came, and it was more of the same. It was here I developed a "schoolboy crush" (which means i find a girl hot). Her name was Kate, and she was one of the popular girls. It was the first time I found a girl cute, and I thought of her to be a good girl. But, again, i was wrong. Ironically, out of ALL the popular girls, she would be the only one who made fun of me. She was the only girl who ever called me ugly to my face. It was quite painful. To top things off, I had this guy named Tony who would constantly get on my case about everything. Unlike Allen, Tony didn't care about being my friend, and was one of those people who "didnt like you for no reason". It was against him that I got into my first "fight". Normally we would always get into verbal fights and insult each other, but one day he had decided to throw a basketball at my stomach. It was at this point where I couldn't take it anymore, and so I ran at him and grabbed his head and threw him on the ground. It was at this point that I knew I would never be his friend. (Duh).
Out of the good things of 8th grade though, I had met my best friend Jon. Although he would make fun of me at first, I would do the same in return. We were developing a good friendship, and this is pretty much the only reason I'm glad I went to Lincoln Hall.
Graduation came of 2000, and now I was ready to enter High School and see what life would bring me.
2000-2001: Freshman Year: Psycho Friend, Blushing, and Daisy.
Niles West was a typical high school. Lots of students, crowded hallways, and noisy classrooms. I was 14 and had just finished puberty. I thankfully can say that I had lost all my fat over the summer, I was now skinny. However, I still had thick glasses, frizzy chopped hair, and worst of all, a thick ugly mustache and beard. I was still a nerd, just skinnier. It was at Niles West that I was able to meet more people. Unlike Lincoln Hall, people here were fun and nicer. I was able to make friends with people from different schools, and the girls here were not bitchy. Ironically the only bitchy girls in my grade were the girls that came from Lincoln Hall, and not anywhere else.
As far as friends went, I had to say I had made a mistake by befriending a guy by the name of Mike. He was a big, squeaky voiced guy with a love for violence and hurting things. (Why the hell do I attract these people?). He would threaten to shoot a ton of people, and seemed to love nobody. He was an interesting person to say the least. I did not want to invite him over to my house ever because he was that type of guy...crazy. Sadly, freshman year he and I had paired up for a project, and were FORCED to hang out. When he had came over, he immediately was wild n' broke a glass vase in our basement. He was a little too odd for me to be his friend, and so I found out that sophomore year he was going to leave and move to Deerfield, and boy was I glad.
As far as attractions, I remember second semester in gym class playing a game of kickball. This one particular girl had made a goof and had ran to the wrong base. When she was called "out" she had walked back to the end of the line with blushing red cheeks. It was at that point that I had developed a small crush for her. But it was too late in the year so I didnt care.
The summer began on a bad note. My beautiful huskie Daisy had developed throat cancer. She had been with the family for 8 years. She WAS family to us. After one painful month of throwing up, tumors, and pain, we had said goodbye to our beloved dog.
However, through it all, I still had my Quake 2....
2001-2002: Sophomore Year: The Boring Year
Out of all the high school years, sophomore year was most boring. I don't remember anything really fun developing out of this year. The "blushing girl" I wasn't really attracted to, my friends were the same, and I still played Quake 2. Second semester I had break with my friend Jon, and that was the best because we would spend the entire time in the IRC Library laughing our asses off.
2002-2003: Junior Year: Work Hard?
Junior year could be classified as the year my depression was at its peak. I was a good guy, yes, but I would not enjoy staying awake. I would come home after school and would sleep for a few hours. After waking up, I would do my homework, eat, and go to bed. I had stopped playing Quake 2, as the game was getting old. We had bought a puppy named Roxy that had soiled our kitchen floor numerous times (but I have grown to love her). Junior year was relatively easy except for my US history class, led by a feminist psycho by the name of Mrs. Godfrey. She disliked me from the beginning. She saw that I was loud, laid back, typical of everything a "man" is. The only good thing that transpired from that class was that I had met my first "crush crush". It wasn't just a girl I thought was cute, but a girl that I thought was cute and wanted to get to know. Her name was Amelia.
Junior year kept dragging by relatively easily. I had electronics with a teacher who really favored me. I would spend the entire class goofing off but he would give me an A just because I was good at math (which electronics is comprised of) and was half mexican (which he was.) Math was simple, I had breezed by with an A. The same could be said for chemistry. My teacher, Mr. Forkel, was the most laid back and awesome teacher anybody could have. He made the subject of chemistry a breeze. English and history were the most "interesting" though. My english teacher, Mrs. Martin, seemed to enjoy picking on me. I really disliked the class. She was a boring teacher, and the students were annoying. Everybody in the class was loud, unattentive, and wild. She could not control the class, and I was bored out of my mind, so I never spoke. Later in the year, when we were discussing a book with a quiet character in it with evil intentions, somebody had said "Quiet people are evil", and my teacher Mrs. Martin looked at me and said "so Andre must be the next Hitler!". She was THAT kind of a teacher. And as for history, Mrs. Godfrey was always on my case. I had gotten the best grade on the history CRT, a 98, and the best grade on the final, a 94, and I had still gotten a B for the course. It was an HONORS history course, but she gave me the B because she thought I didnt look like an honors student. The "blushing" girl was in my English class, and she wasn't as nice as I thought she was....she would mock me in an unfriendly way, and I wondered why it's always the girls I had feelings for that would do this to me. Perhaps fate?
SUMMER of junior year was probably one of the best summers in recent memory. To start things off my good friend Baron had decided to get to know Amelia on my behalf. He had gotten her screenname for me, and I was ever so grateful for him. I was going to start talking to her and getting to know her! It got better, though. Jon and I, only friends at the time, had become best friends during this summer. We would spend our days bike riding for miles nearly the whole day. There was not a care in the world, no girls, no homework, just two good friends enjoying the summer. At nights we would just chill and talk. It was probably one of the best summers I had ever had, just because of this relaxation. I had started talking to Amelia online, too. We would have long chats, and I realized she was a very good girl from what I was learning. She was smart, sly, didnt drink or smoke, and wasn't a flirt. I couldn't wait to meet her in person senior year. Summer of junior year was, basically, one of the greatest periods of my life, second to second semester senior year (coming up).
1st Semester Senior Year: The Amelia Drama
Senior year was the most interesting year of my life, all because I had decided to be more forward with people. I still had glasses, a thick mustache and beard, heavy eyebrows, and short frizzy hair. I wasn't anything physically attractive, but I was looking forward to spending a good senior year.
Firstly, the story of my old car: My Beretta. My parents had decided to give me this old Chevy Beretta that had been sitting in our driveway for 2 years. It had almost 100,000 miles on it and was an American car. We had fixed it up, but again it was in such bad shape that it didnt really matter. The roof was peeling, reverse didnt work, one of the wheels was always deflating, the radio didnt work, the interior roof was sagging, and the defroster didnt work. Oh, and the drivers side window was broken. It was a heap of shit. On the first day of senior year, me, Jon, and his little bro had decided to drive. I had felt all cool with a car finally....but as soon as I tried to back out of the driveway, my car had froze. The wheels locked, and I couldn't reverse. I floored the accelerator, and the car backed up but then broke down in the middle of the street. I turned it back on and drove to school at a brisk 30 miles an hour. As soon as I got in the parking lot, my car shut off. I looked like a huge fool. Needless to say, my car shuts off after 15 minutes of usage, or if you go faster than 40 miles an hour. We junked it after 2 months because it caught fire on me twice. I would have to take the bus until late March, when I bought my current car.
Secondly, track. I had decided it was time to make myself more buff. I was skinny, unconfident, and a twig boy. I tried out for the track team, and after 2 weeks I had quit because it was boring, it didnt involve throwing anything.
And thirdly, the highlight of 1st semester was the Amelia drama.
I had met Amelia in person, and we had started to talk. I would walk her to class, sit with her at lunch, and make jokes. She seemed to enjoy my company, I was starting to feel good. I was hoping to get to know her better, and who knows, maybe even fall for her. (haha...) Anyways, I had noticed as time went on she didn't seem to want to spend time with me. I was starting to wonder if she found me annoying. Her friends would constantly make fun of me and say "amelia's not here, why are you? go follow her." I decided I should tell Amelia I was physically attracted to her. I told her, and it was a big mistake. After that, she would avoid me completely. She told me I annoyed her, that I was just some annoying "stalker" because I walked with her to lunch. Apparently, I scared her. She didnt want to have anything to do with me. To top it all off, I had an online female friend by the name of Georgia who was friends with Amelia. Georgia liked me, and found out Amelia's friends were making fun of me. Georgia, out of temper, started insulting all of Amelia's friends, as well as one of Amelia's friends boyfriend. I had nothing to do with it, but I was dragged into all the drama. I remember from that point on that Amelia and her friends would give me dirty looks. It really had hurt, that yet again a girl that I was attracted to had put me down. I would go home and sleep longer than usual. I tried to sleep the whole day away. But, I could say that Amelia's anger was a blessing in disguise.
I did not want to go to the cafeteria during my break, because Amelia was there. It was very weird to see her, so I avoided the cafeteria altogether. Instead, I had ventured to a different part of the school, where I would hang out with a different group of people.
2nd Semester Senior Year: Greatest Period of my Life?
Right before 2nd semester began, I had gotten to know this girl by the name of Sarah who would have a great impact on my life (which I shall explain.) She was in the "2nd cafeteria" during my break, and I had gotten to know her better. She seemed to laugh at all my jokes and make me feel happy. I had never met a girl this sweet in my life. Her beautiful heart made me want to become a better person.
As soon as 2nd semester started, I had gotten contacts. I also had shaved my mustache. I looked like a completely different person. This is what I classify as perhaps the greatest period of my life. I always wish to relive this period just because it was the only time I could honestly say that I didnt need to sleep. Why? well...
Sarah had given me a lot of confidence in myself. Whenever I felt depressed or unloved, she was always there to make me smile. Whenever I had a fight with someone, she was always there to stand up for me. For the first time in my life, I had met someone who truly never put me down. She only made me feel better. For the first time, I had met a girl who would put a smile on my face just by seeing her smile. And for the first time, I had met someone whom I always wanted to make smile and feel special just because of how beautiful a person she was to me. I felt like the luckiest guy alive to know her.. For the first time in my long troubled life, I was falling in love.
As the semester wore on, I was nothing but smiles. Sarah had made me want to be the funniest happiest human being alive.
My school day was very easy. I had two lunches and two study's in which I would spend the whole time laughing and messing around with my friends. During my first break, i would hang out in the cafeteria with my friends and be loud and rowdy seniors. It was a great feeling, I'll tell you that. After that I would walk over to my next class, which was an english class taught by the very philosophical Mr. Jeter. In this class, I learned about how to view life. I learned Plato, gestault, and all these other life-altering perspectives. After his class, Sarah would greet me at my locker, and I would walk her to her next class. I would head to my two study hall's, with which I would both ditch and chill with jon in the cafeteria. And then I had gym, math, lunch with Jon and all my senior friends, including Jon, with which we would be loud and crazy just as usual, physics, and consumer ed. Afterwards, Sarah would invite me over to her house to chill.
As graduation approached, I was very hesitant to graduate. I did not want to leave high school. I was having so much fun being with all my friends, that I was sad to see college come. To top things off, I had decided to tell Sarah how I felt. Graduation was 100 degrees and sweaty. It was like a sauna in there. As soon as we threw our hats up in the air, I felt as if I was losing a great period of my life.I was going to enter a new era of my life which I was pretty scared about. After graduation, I was rejected. It was the worst pain I had ever felt up to that day, but I went on... somehow.
Summer 2004 to Winter 2004
As soon as summer came, Sarah had went off to Europe for the entire vacation, and I had missed her very much. I had given her a card telling her how much she meant to me as a parting gift...expressing some feelings I kept bottled up. Jon had started working, and I did not see him at all. I had spent each summer day by myself, bored and wondering what to do. It was during this time that I had decided to work out like crazy. I had done 200 pushups a day on average, and was really bulking up my chest and abs. Sadly, despite all my buffness, I had lost some of the confidence in myself that I once had. I hoped that exercise would make me feel like a man again.
During the summer I had started getting to know Eileen, who at the time was a friend of Sarah's. I did not know much about her other than that she was quiet, but as I got to know her she was a sweet and funny girl. I would spend good portions of my day chatting with her, and were it not for Sarah I would have probably fallen for her instead.
As fall came, I did not want to enter freshman year of college. Firstly, it was boring. I no longer had all my friends together at one place like I once did. Secondly, my schedule was horrible. I had large gaps between classes, so I would spend all my time at school, with half of the time being stuck with nothing to do. I would get to know people, but one thing that most people at that school lack is a sense of humor, so it was impossible for me to make a large group of friends like I did in high school. One of the worst things that happened in this period was that I had lost my temper for the first time. When Sarah had came back, I had discovered she had a thing for a guy that all I heard about prior to this was a bully, (typical of the people who used to pick on me), so as my first response I was hurt and all I could do was show anger instead of sadness, being a man this is basically my only option. As of a result, Sarah had started ignoring me. Eileen followed, as she was closer to her than me. I felt depressed once again. My birthday came, and I did not have a party. I didn't want to talk to anybody. I just wanted to be alone. I had spent the rest of 2004 thinking about how depressed I was, how nothing changed, and how I wanted to basically end the pain.
2005: The Sun Rises Once More
As soon as 2005 came, I had made sure to pray to God for changes. I wanted to know what to do. To start off, I had told Sarah I was sorry for what I had said, and that I had gotten over her, which I didn't. I was simply repressing everything. Secondly, I had made sure to create a much better schedule for myself. I had excellent professors, and my school day would range from 9:20-12:20 at best. I could sleep again. As soon as the spring semester came, things were good again. I started hanging out with Sarah again, my schedule was easy, and my friend Jon had a schedule where I could chill with him too.
After school, I would head over to Jon's and we would go to Subway or Burger King and spend time making jokes and laughing. We would enjoy college life, and I started becoming happy again. Spring came, and the weather was beautiful. Life was starting to shine light on me. After chilling with Jon I would head to Sarah and spend a good portion of time with her. Once again, things were looking up for me, and I started feeling very happy again.
Summer 2005 came, and Sarah had left for Europe once again. I was very sad to see her go, but this time I did not feel as hurt as previous because I wasn't thinking about anything. I had decided this summer that I was going to get a JOB. Thanks to my sister's aid, she had found me work as a delivery driver for a fast food Greek restaurant in which her friends owned. What luck, I thought! It was a very well paying job, too. Tips added up, and I made a lot of money.
I would spend nearly every day with Eileen now, who was out of school and didn't have homework. After work I would head to her house and we would play pool or go to Great America on Wednesdays. Or shopping was another alternative. I felt really free and happy that summer. Nothing was going wrong. Then Eileen had made a new friend Bob whom I did not seem to care for. He was crude, slobbish, and perverted. I did not want to hang around him because of the manner he acted around her, and as a result Eileen thought I was avoiding her. Unfortunately I could not hang out with Eileen as much because she always wanted Bob to come over. on the fourth of july, I went to my old high school to see the fireworks with Eileen, and it was probably one of the greatest days of the summer, and I felt so relaxed and carefree once again. Over the summer, Sarah had sent me messages from long distance, and I was happy overall. I did not want to see the summer go, it was warm every day, and I enjoyed it.
As summer came to a close, I had made sure to give myself an easy schedule. I was only on campus for four days out of the week, and I did not take any science classes. I wanted to enjoy my life a little bit. I had gotten a job with Sarah, and I really enjoyed it. I had fun courses with exciting professors that knew how to excite my intelligence. Unfortunately I did not see Eileen as much due to school, and Jon upped his work hours to 40 hours a week, so I did not see them. As 2005 came to a close, I realized what a great year it had been overall though. I had spent a lot of time with my friends. I enjoyed making Sarah smile. I had spent so much time with her that I was motivated to go to class and learn, handle 20 hours a week of work, and smile and be funny again.
Unfortunately, the curse of 2006 began.
2006: The Sun Finally Sets..
As soon as 2006 began, everything seemed to collapse on me. The year started off on a bad note. My repressed feelings were starting to want to come out. I loved being with Sarah, but I couldn't live on with the lie. I had tried looking at other girls, but none were able to hit me the way she did, probably because of the way I met her.
After this, work started getting to me. I lost motivation and was tired of going there. School is getting to be annoying and I do not feel like dealing with annoying subjects. Bad luck was hitting me, I had gotten pulled over for tints, lost a hubcap, lost a few friends, and growing distant from Sarah because of my mood.
I could not take the pain anymore, and I told Sarah how I felt. It was the same result, as expected though. I was full of regret for telling her because of that. I knew things would change, and they did. And as of the past couple of days, a pain has hit me which I never felt before.... an indescribable sadness.... I felt I was no longer wanted because I made her keep things from me, but it was better for me to know. She is moving on with her life in a good way, and I had to break away because I am, well, myself...someone jealous, hurt, and stupid..... I've always been someone who has avoided love because of the hurt it brings, and it proves it. I always felt guilty whenever I felt this excitement in my heart, because it was one sided..I broke down in tears as I told her how I regretted continuously listening to my heart, even though I was warned not to by others. Basically, 2006 has reached the lowest it could, because I lost the one thing in my life that truly made me happy
Funny how someone with good grades, a good family, but a poor love life could feel so low. I guess this shows the power of the human heart.
And yes, this is the end of my life's story. The past few days I have been in the deepest depression I have ever gone through, and I have kept to myself, not talking to anyone or smiling...just living like a lifeless soul. It's ironic how basically, removing late 2004-early 2006, nothing has changed. I'm back to my old self again. I typed this alone in my room, depressed, feeling an urge to sleep the day away. I am not going to touch alcohol or drugs, as it is a promise I made to someone special my second semester senior year, and I'm still going to keep it.
Thank you for listening, Xanga.
-Andre |
